To forgive is to let go of blame and release the negative feelings from within yourself. Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself more than to the other (unless the one you need to forgive is yourself – then it is a double gift!) This doesn’t mean that you forget. You remember, but the memory is no longer charged with hurt, anger or resentment.
Example: My father was passive aggressive and very athletic. Over and over he would promise to be kind (to hold the bike, to hit the tennis ball gently, etc.) and every time I would end up hurt and scared while he laughed or feigned innocence, “I thought you could hit the ball. ” or “I thought you could turn the bike” (he laughed from 20 feet away since he had let go of the bike and I crashed into a fence ). When I was seven he convinced me to sit in his lap as he was driving on the freeway so I could hold the steering wheel. Yes, I was scared, especially when he drew closer and closer to the car in front of us. As always, I ended in frightened and humiliated tears, “Daddy, why are you getting so close?!” He laughed and replied,” I wanted to see if you would change into the other lane.” That was my dad.
I had lots of therapy, even a few sessions with my father, and chose to forgive him because I still loved him. I never allowed him a minute alone with my children, however. That is not quite accurate. When my first born was just old enough to sit up we played a game sitting on the grass rolling a big soft ball back and forth. My dad took a turn and gently rolled the ball, over and over. The telephone rang in my house. I could see through the window from where the phone was attached to the wall, so I took a couple of steps into the house, grabbed the phone and turned to see my father toss the ball firmly into my sons face, knocking him over and leaving him in tears. “Sorry” he said, “I thought he would catch it.”
My father had some really wonderful parts to his personality. He had a wicked sense of humor, could barbecue like a pro and was a great dancer. I had more than just forgiveness for him, I had compassion and love too.
Compassion is going beyond the point of view that someone did something bad, but you are willing to let it go. True compassion is beyond the polarity of good and bad to the place of understanding that people are not “perfect”. It is not possible to be perfect. I know why my dad acted like he did. I know enough of his childhood horrors to realize that he was being the best person he could be. I know he tried to be a better man his whole life. So really, there was nothing to forgive. I also trusted my father. I trusted that he would be himself and would do something mean any time I turned my back. So I never let him alone with my children.
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